So I breathed a long drawn out sigh of relief when that 30 day thing was over. I don't think I can fully express how confining and maddening it was for me. To restrict myself like that was a bit like sticking a live butterfly in one of those cases for displaying dead butterflies. I was completely out of my element. I tend to ramble and really embrace the stream of consciousness that flows throughout myself and that really made me stick to a topic. But I had to do it! Think of it this way... This scene in Nanny Mcphee Returns about sums it up. I had to keep it up, but really wanted to quit. I think for me it was a bit cathartic, to open up and share some things about myself that I would usually rather have kept hidden.
Do you have those things? The thoughts and memories that lurk in the darkest corner of your mind that you would just as soon have them disappear? For a long time I struggled with guilt over what happened to me as a child. I remember talking to the police and saying over and over again "I regret it". I was 9, what control did I have?? None! Now that it is all out in the open for the few who read my blog, I feel like all the cards are on the table.
I have been in therapy on several occasions, both as a child and an adult. As a child I learned how to say what needed to be said in order to make it through life. Pay attention to how they phrase the question, hear the inflection in their voice and you can figure how you're supposed to answer. So that's what I did, and I did it well. Later in my teen years, same experience, different counselors. I also went through some grief counseling after my mother passed away, because man, that hit hard. Finally, I went through Trauma Resolution Therapy (TRT).
This was a different approach to therapy altogether. Instead of talking about whatever trivial things I was coping with in my daily life, I went to the root of the problem. I wrote out the memories, painful ones (that have not been blocked out) and read them aloud. Then I dissected them as I did that cat in high school (for Anatomy, not because I'm a sadist or serial killer in training). I identified the differences in how good families treat one another and how I was treated and how that affects me even to this day in how I handle situations. I have not forgotten the past, nor should I, but the moments of being blindsided by a flashback are fewer and farther between. It is still a journey with myself and God. I know that together, we can accomplish anything.
So there you have it. More rawness revealed, and more glory to God for His redemptive work in my life. It is an ongoing thing for all of us. This blog is kind of a journal documenting where I go, what I feel and how God moves in me and through me. Thanks for coming alongside me in my journey!