Monday, February 28, 2011

30 DOT Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to see my daughter go through what I did as a kid. I will dive deeper into this further down the road; but suffice it to say I want her to have a great childhood, free from abuse and full of the love of God and family. I hope I never have to see the look on her face that I know I had to have as a child. I hope she never wonders about her father's love for her. I hope she never feels the sting of rejection from those who love her. 

A song that can bring me to tears. It encompasses a generational love for mother and child to me. Enjoy!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

30 DOT Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life.

When you're a kid, people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up. Well, I'm 31 and still don't have a concrete answer. At one point in my life, a successful career would have been the answer but now my priorities have changed. For a while my calling was to be in full time ministry at a church, and I did that to the best of my ability. However, at this stage in my life, I hope that I can be the best wife and Mommy that I can be. God has called me to do those two things before anything else. Somedays that is easier to accept than others. 

God provides for us and Chris is a very hard worker so financially we can afford for me to be at home. But there are times that I struggle with not "bringing home the bacon". My mom was always a hard worker and managed to be a mother. Sometimes I feel that I don't live up to her standards. She was not perfect by no means, but she did always try her best.

Not to mention that I flunked out of Suzy Homemaker Class, either that or I skipped it altogether probably to do something I shouldn't have been. So while God has called me to this task, it is still something that I have to hope for. I have not achieved perfection nor do I expect to, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I will sing a Song of Hope!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

30 DOT Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for

This one might be difficult. As a Christian, we are taught to forgive. Jesus said to forgive someone 7 x 70 times or some outrageous number. I once was a holder of grudges. Were it an Olympic sport, I would have won gold (that's the best right?). This is something I have learned to do over the years. That being said, I can forgive but I do not forget. To forgive you means I will not harbor ill will towards you in my own heart but that does not mean I will give you the chance to do it again. To me that is just wisdom. But even that, I guess it depends on the situation. So for todays exercise I am going to pass and say that as you will learn later, if I can forgive this one man, I can forgive anyone... in time.

Friday, February 25, 2011

30 DOT Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I need to forgive myself for mistakes in my past. As a teenager, I was wild and crazy. I did many things I'm not proud of. I know I did not treat my mother with the respect she deserved. I took her for granted and disregarded her feelings. I was mean and at times hateful and unappreciative. I put my mom literally through Hell. While most days I can accept these things for what they are; things that led me to who I am today; other days Satan tries to use guilt to weigh me down. I know that I have been forgiven, but sometimes, it is hardest to forgive ourselves.

This song always makes me think of my mother. My brother and I each chose a song to play at her funeral, and this was mine.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

30 DOT Day 2

Something you love about yourself.

Hmm, this is a toughy. As women we are always our worst critic and sometimes it can be hard to focus on the good things about ourselves. However, I love the fact that I say what I mean. I am honest, sometimes to a fault, but at least you know where I stand. I try not to be brutally honest as I believe most things should be said in love. I don't shy away from issues that matter to me, despite the court of public opinion. I am who God created me to be, and that is a free thinking, opinion speaking woman!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

30 DOT Day 1

Something you hate about yourself.

Wow, nice one for the first day, right? I could take the obvious and go with my weight (cos really who doesn't hate theirs) but I think I will dig a little more and see what else there is.

I guess I would have to say, I hate that I try to push away those who care most about me, mainly my husband. I think this is partly because I haven't seen marriage last forever, so I guess I don't expect mine to. Inside there is this part of me that tries to sabotage the great thing I have going for me with my husband. There are probably still some subconscious Dad issues that no matter how hard I try to get rid of, they still linger as well (more on that another day).

But as for my husband; he is truly the best man I have ever met, and if you know me, you know he must have the patience of Job. I am blessed beyond what I could ever deserve and still sometimes forget to appreciate it.

This is the song that we used to listen to all the time at Waffle House (yeah thats where a lot of our dates were), which then became the first song we danced to at our wedding. Which is odd because neither of us like country music in general. Rambling aside, that is definitely something I hate about myself.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

30 Days of truth

A friend of mine is doing this on her blog and I thought I might get in on the action. We'll see if I have the perseverance to do it all the way through. To try to stick with it, I have already titled each days entry hopefully making it easier for me to go the distance.

Bear in mind that these are all my opinions, from my life and experiences. If you don't like what I have to say, feel free to not read, it won't hurt my feelings :)

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you badly.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Yeah, my God can do that!

Disclaimer: Okay folks, this one might be controversial.

Every woman I know dreads the yearly event where an almost complete stranger delves into their nether regions for a Pap smear. Some more than others I'm sure, but I doubt anyone gets all "Woohoo!" about it. Well it has been three years since my last one. Many of my friends have gently encouraged me to get it done. Which I did last week and all is well, Praise God! But here's why I put it off for so long.

About three years ago I made the appointment. I go in for what I assume will be a nominally uncomfortable procedure and plan to go about my merry way once it's done. Wrongo! I was in for an emotional roller coaster. During the exam, my doctor found a lump in my breast. When she said that I felt a lump of another kind rising up in my throat. Immediately my mind begins to race and a million questions and worries take their turn causing my heart to skip a beat. My mother had breast cancer. She went through chemo and radiation as ordered by a doctor which naturally made her as sick as a dog. I see flashes of her as her hair starts to come out. I see her in pain, bald and brave and wonder do I have what it takes to go though all that too?

My doctor scheduled a double breast ultrasound for the following week. The days following this finding I was a nervous wreck. I would constantly feel the lump wondering what it was and how it would change my life. I had a small child to take care of. How on Earth would I be able to do that knowing the damage that cancer treatments do to your body? I was already a Christian at this point and knew that I should just give it to God and He would take care of it for me, but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering.

Fast forward to the Sunday night before my ultrasound. Chris, Lilly and I go to our small group Bible study. This is the group of people we were doing life with. People who loved us, prayed for us, and were really more family than friends. We do our usual Bible study and at the end comes time for praises and prayer requests. Boy did I have a doozy. I explained the situation through tears of worry. One of our leaders suggests everyone gather around me, lay hands on me and pray. They sat me in a chair in the middle of the room and everyone came around me, placing their hands on my back and shoulders. Some were knelt in front of me with their hands on my knees. As each member took their turn praying for me, I could literally feel the Holy Spirit in the room with us. We parted ways that night and I began to mentally prepare myself for the coming test.

The nest day was the ultrasound and I was still nervous. Chris and I went together to the hospital and he waited outside for me. The technician began to pass the x ray scanny thingie (I'm pretty sure that's the technical term) over each breast, taking pictures as she went. It felt like it took ages although in reality it was only a few minutes. I'm not sure if she knew where she was supposed to be seeing something because she asked me where the lump was. I point to the place that was by this point sore because I had been messing with it so much. She continues to scan. When she is finally done she says "I'm not trained to read these, I just take them. But I don't see a thing".

It took a few moments to register what she had just said. I knew there was something there, I had felt it with my own hands. But now miraculously I couldn't feel a thing. I don't know the exact moment it left my body but I do know there was something in my breast and now miraculously it was gone!! I still had to wait for the official results but when they did come in they verified that there was nothing there to be seen. God had completely removed the lump. Where it went I didn't know and didn't care, it just was no longer inside me!

So there is my tale of the supernatural power of God. I have seen Him work in so many ways that defy explanation and that's just one. I have told friends about my experience, but here I have an opportunity to reach many more ears (or eyes). Feel free to share my story with anyone you like. I am a walking testimony to the healing power of Jesus Christ.

I am such a fool for Him!