TNT (Triumph n Therapy)

 So I breathed a long drawn out sigh of relief when that 30 day thing was over. I don't think I can fully express how confining and maddening it was for me. To restrict myself like that was a bit like sticking a live butterfly in one of those cases for displaying dead butterflies. I was completely out of my element. I tend to ramble and really embrace the stream of consciousness that flows throughout myself and that really made me stick to a topic. But I had to do it! Think of it this way... This scene in Nanny Mcphee Returns about sums it up. I had to keep it up, but really wanted to quit. I think for me it was a bit cathartic, to open up and share some things about myself that I would usually rather have kept hidden.

 Do you have those things? The thoughts and memories that lurk in the darkest corner of your mind that you would just as soon have them disappear? For a long time I struggled with guilt over what happened to me as a child. I remember talking to the police and saying over and over again "I regret it". I was 9, what control did I have?? None! Now that it is all out in the open for the few who read my blog, I feel like all the cards are on the table.

 I have been in therapy on several occasions, both as a child and an adult. As a child I learned how to say what needed to be said in order to make it through life. Pay attention to how they phrase the question, hear the inflection in their voice and you can figure how you're supposed to answer. So that's what I did, and I did it well. Later in my teen years, same experience, different counselors. I also went through some grief counseling after my mother passed away, because man, that hit hard. Finally, I went through Trauma Resolution Therapy (TRT).

 This was a different approach to therapy altogether. Instead of talking about whatever trivial things I was coping with in my daily life, I went to the root of the problem. I wrote out the memories, painful ones (that have not been blocked out) and read them aloud. Then I dissected them as I did that cat in high school (for Anatomy, not because I'm a sadist or serial killer in training). I identified the differences in how good families treat one another and how I was treated and how that affects me even to this day in how I handle situations. I have not forgotten the past, nor should I, but the moments of being blindsided by a flashback are fewer and farther between. It is still a journey with myself and God. I know that together, we can accomplish anything.

So there you have it. More rawness revealed, and more glory to God for His redemptive work in my life. It is an ongoing thing for all of us. This blog is kind of a journal documenting where I go, what I feel and how God moves in me and through me. Thanks for coming alongside me in my journey!

30 DOT Day 30!!!!!

A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself 


Dear Melissa,
 First off, I love that you actually completed this 30 day thing! You really surprised me and I'm proud of you. I can't believe it's finally over. This was especially challenging, because not only did the frequency make you feel creatively restrained, but the fact that they were all guided and you had to stay on topic.


 I love that you know how to have fun, your carefree spirit and willingness to laugh at yourself. Many people take themselves to seriously and you don't fall into that trap. I love that you say what you mean without trying to be mean. I love that you put God first in your life even when it is uncomfortable. I love that you can be a leader without being a complete jack wagon! Too often those who claim to be leaders are total jerks and unapologetic about it. At least when you get jerky (because it happens to all of us sometimes) you almost always apologize and most likely didn't mean it that way. 


 I love that you try without giving up. Even if something seems impossible, you are willing to take a shot at it and see what happens. I love that today's entry was one of the hardest for you to write because of your humility. 

30 DOT Day 25

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.


Here's why, plain and simple
        

  The song lyrics                                                   My life






I was born in Tennessee                                              Change that to Florida
Late July humidity                                                           and that to August
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive                        

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school                          I actually was good in school LOL
I talked too much, broke the rules                                 Now that's true
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

I don’t know how but I made it through 
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth                 Not so much...

Chorus

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man                                     or woman
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Chorus

30 DOT Day 19

What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?


Both of these are sticky subjects and likely to ruffle feathers. I'm sure if you've been reading up until now, you probably already know I lean towards the right. I don't call myself a staunch Republican, but a lot of my views line up with them. Not all mind you, but a fair number. 


That being said, I think politics are a messy and ineffective way of ruling a country. Many people, on both sides, like to "play politics". I mean to say they treat it as a game where there is a winner and a loser, when in reality the entire country loses. Men allow selfish desires for personal gain to influence their decisions and quite often develop a superiority complex, feeling they know better than we do how we feel about issues, and how to spend our own money. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an elitist whose nose is so far in the air, they would frown were it to start raining.


I was almost done with todays writing when I had a revolutionary thought. Why not do a quick blurb on both subjects and tick everyone off equally?!


I think religion is mans attempt to reach God, Jesus was His way of reaching us. I feel that often times religion can get in the way of Him. A lot of todays church activities have a way of becoming a new set of rules to follow, like the ones Jesus set us free from. We've traded the ticky tacky laws of the Pharisees for new ones disguised as something less sinister, like taking a class or going to a Sunday school or becoming a "member" of this ministry or just fill in the blank for whatever expectations church has placed on you. For acceptance, you need to be at every function even at the expense of your own personal ministry needing to be fulfilled in the lives of those you influence. Many modern Christians (I was one of them), simply traded in the Old Testament restrictions for newer ones. True freedom in Christ is a beautiful thing, though many "Christians" will never experience it on this Earth. It is rather counter cultural to actually live as Jesus commanded, and you can face opposition from even other Christ followers. But as long as you are obedient to what He wants for you, you can never go wrong!


I'll close with one of my favorite quotes from Jake Colsen 


"The free person in Christ and the rebellious will always look the same to those who labor under religious obligation, because both ignore the conventions that govern men and women"

30 DOT Day 11

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.


Hmm, people compliment me; do they do that? I know my husband always says I'm beautiful but he's contractually obligated to do so! Lilly always tells me I'm the best Mommy ever but I think she's a little biased. Geesh, look how I just explained away all those compliments.  


Okay. How about this? People often compliment me on my writing ability. I find it easy to express my thoughts and feelings in written words as well as verbally. That's kind of a nicer way of saying I talk a lot. However I try to use my gift in this blog. I aim to be salt and light in the lives of others. I also use my God given abilities to teach others. I have been told I have a way of making God's Word understandable and applicable to your life and for this I am grateful. To think that God would use me to further His Gospel and disciple His children is an honor beyond compare that I am unworthy to behold.


I think the thing to remember when anyone compliments you, is to give God the glory. It is He who made me the way I am. So thank you God, for overcoming a big mouth and using her as your instrument :) 


I use what God has given me to proclaim Him, it is my offering.

30 DOT Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.


My God has made life worth living. He gives me meaning and purpose. He has plans for me and loves me completely despite all my shortcomings. In this I am blessed. If you don't know him, message me. I would love to tell you some of the things He has done for me. I have seen Him work in my life and the lives of others and count it a privilege to tell of His love for mankind. 


If you haven't noticed, music is very important to me. Songs can sometimes express what my words cannot.

Yeah, my God can do that!

Disclaimer: Okay folks, this one might be controversial.

Every woman I know dreads the yearly event where an almost complete stranger delves into their nether regions for a Pap smear. Some more than others I'm sure, but I doubt anyone gets all "Woohoo!" about it. Well it has been three years since my last one. Many of my friends have gently encouraged me to get it done. Which I did last week and all is well, Praise God! But here's why I put it off for so long.

About three years ago I made the appointment. I go in for what I assume will be a nominally uncomfortable procedure and plan to go about my merry way once it's done. Wrongo! I was in for an emotional roller coaster. During the exam, my doctor found a lump in my breast. When she said that I felt a lump of another kind rising up in my throat. Immediately my mind begins to race and a million questions and worries take their turn causing my heart to skip a beat. My mother had breast cancer. She went through chemo and radiation as ordered by a doctor which naturally made her as sick as a dog. I see flashes of her as her hair starts to come out. I see her in pain, bald and brave and wonder do I have what it takes to go though all that too?

My doctor scheduled a double breast ultrasound for the following week. The days following this finding I was a nervous wreck. I would constantly feel the lump wondering what it was and how it would change my life. I had a small child to take care of. How on Earth would I be able to do that knowing the damage that cancer treatments do to your body? I was already a Christian at this point and knew that I should just give it to God and He would take care of it for me, but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering.

Fast forward to the Sunday night before my ultrasound. Chris, Lilly and I go to our small group Bible study. This is the group of people we were doing life with. People who loved us, prayed for us, and were really more family than friends. We do our usual Bible study and at the end comes time for praises and prayer requests. Boy did I have a doozy. I explained the situation through tears of worry. One of our leaders suggests everyone gather around me, lay hands on me and pray. They sat me in a chair in the middle of the room and everyone came around me, placing their hands on my back and shoulders. Some were knelt in front of me with their hands on my knees. As each member took their turn praying for me, I could literally feel the Holy Spirit in the room with us. We parted ways that night and I began to mentally prepare myself for the coming test.

The nest day was the ultrasound and I was still nervous. Chris and I went together to the hospital and he waited outside for me. The technician began to pass the x ray scanny thingie (I'm pretty sure that's the technical term) over each breast, taking pictures as she went. It felt like it took ages although in reality it was only a few minutes. I'm not sure if she knew where she was supposed to be seeing something because she asked me where the lump was. I point to the place that was by this point sore because I had been messing with it so much. She continues to scan. When she is finally done she says "I'm not trained to read these, I just take them. But I don't see a thing".

It took a few moments to register what she had just said. I knew there was something there, I had felt it with my own hands. But now miraculously I couldn't feel a thing. I don't know the exact moment it left my body but I do know there was something in my breast and now miraculously it was gone!! I still had to wait for the official results but when they did come in they verified that there was nothing there to be seen. God had completely removed the lump. Where it went I didn't know and didn't care, it just was no longer inside me!

So there is my tale of the supernatural power of God. I have seen Him work in so many ways that defy explanation and that's just one. I have told friends about my experience, but here I have an opportunity to reach many more ears (or eyes). Feel free to share my story with anyone you like. I am a walking testimony to the healing power of Jesus Christ.

I am such a fool for Him!